Ache of the Heart

I miss things. Lots of things.

I miss my boys. I used to see them more often. I used to live comfortably in the security of knowing they were right there. Their smiles and hugs were always available. Now . . . I miss them more than a father should have to.

I miss her. *sigh* I miss her warmth and her laughter. I miss her hugs. I miss what annoyed me, and I miss what I didn't even know I had.

I don't know what hurts more. Missing her or knowing she doesn't miss me.

I dreamt of her last night. We were surfing. I've never been surfing, but based on how much fun we were having in my dream I would love to try it. As with any of the many dreams I have of her lately, when I wake I feel alone and miserable. And the loneliness lasts all day. Even now, over 16 hours later, the feeling is very strong. Each time I have to relive the pain and agony of the loss.

I miss being able to get a hug from her when I need one. And I could certainly use one now. Her hugs were the best.

So my heart aches. And I can't sleep. I think I'll smoke another cigarette. There's some small joy in that at least.

So, what am I going to do today, you ask?

Well, for starters I'm going to write a blog. I'm not going to write about anything in particular. I'm going to start writing and continue to do so until I just can't write anymore. I'm taking advice from Penelope Trunk, and just writing my first blog. I know I have one blog post before this one, and I thought about deleting it, but it still makes me laugh whenever I read it, so I'm leaving it.

I'm currently unemployed. Voluntarily, but unemployed nonetheless. This I want to see as an opportunity to do something I've always wanted to do. Become a happy, healthy, loving, compassionate human being. You see, I've been through some traumatic changes in my life during the past 8 months. And I'm sure I'll discuss these changes in greater detail later on. For now, I'm going to try to stay on target.

For most of the of the past 8 months I've been consumed with thoughts and feelings of loss, grief, self-pity and self-loathing. I've been, and continue to, suffer from anxiety attacks. Mostly related to feelings of inadequacy. The life I feel isn't my own. I don't know the person attached to this new life. And I'm not sure if I want to know him.

I know who I want to be. A strong, confident, intelligent, kind, loving and compassionate man. A father my children are proud of. A reliable, trustworthy friend. And I think I'm only beginning to scratch the surface of how to realize these desires. And what I mean by that is today is day one, and I'm scared.

Think about what you're doing here . . .

Un - freakin - believable!!! You're actually reading this? This is what's wrong with our society. No one can follow directions!!

Whatever. If you want to read this so badly, then I guess I'll have to write something.

But don't hold your breath. = )