Ache of the Heart

I miss things. Lots of things.

I miss my boys. I used to see them more often. I used to live comfortably in the security of knowing they were right there. Their smiles and hugs were always available. Now . . . I miss them more than a father should have to.

I miss her. *sigh* I miss her warmth and her laughter. I miss her hugs. I miss what annoyed me, and I miss what I didn't even know I had.

I don't know what hurts more. Missing her or knowing she doesn't miss me.

I dreamt of her last night. We were surfing. I've never been surfing, but based on how much fun we were having in my dream I would love to try it. As with any of the many dreams I have of her lately, when I wake I feel alone and miserable. And the loneliness lasts all day. Even now, over 16 hours later, the feeling is very strong. Each time I have to relive the pain and agony of the loss.

I miss being able to get a hug from her when I need one. And I could certainly use one now. Her hugs were the best.

So my heart aches. And I can't sleep. I think I'll smoke another cigarette. There's some small joy in that at least.